When will I come into my own and be happy?

People have told me that their thirties were the best time in their lives and that is when they really came into their own. I feel that so far my first year in my thirties has proved me to be a walking contradiction of that statement.

Here is why….

I am certainly better off as far as the amount of money that I make; I would say that the buck stops there. I don’t think I have ever in my life been more confused and unsure of the person I am as I am at this point in my life.

I find myself wishing I still had the job I had at the age of 20 and worked with the same people I did when I was 20. The pay wasn’t good but I was learning and making a little bit of a difference and I was damn good at it. The office manager there was like a second mother to me and I learned so much about not only my job but life from her. I find the job I have now is to easy at times and then at times harder to learn. On the easy days I am bored out of my mind and on the harder days I just feel inadequate. Then there are the people…most of them are ok and I am beginning to really like the new girl but because of other people in the office I stay at a certain length. THEN…there is one guy and one girl that work here and the tension between me and them is just not good for my sanity. I was harassed by him and she was a friend who turned out to really not be a friend at all and didn’t like me. I can only surmise she was basically just pretending to be my friend because I was really good to her and helped her more than anyone with her wedding.

If you know me then you know that I love to have my own space and I take so much pride in decorating and keeping a clean house. With that being said…I am 30 years old and don’t even have a place of my own. I truly couldn’t afford a place of my own. I love my brother for letting me live with him in Lexington and I love having him around so we can both help each other out when needed. The only thing is that from time to time I just feel so deadbeat-ish for not being able to have my own place. I love the house we live in and I love that my brother let me put some of my own touches to the decorating. For some reason it doesn’t really feel like mine without all of my home interior prints and furniture that I would have picked out. Then there is the organization of the place…that being ….there isn’t enough!! I don’t know what it is but I really don’t keep it as clean as I use to keep my house in Summersville or my apartment in Campbellsville…I took so much pride in the cleaning and decorating of those places. I miss that but I have no motivation to get back to that place again for some reason.

In the year since I turned 30 I have lost friends and felt like I was loosing others. I hate that feeling. I mean for the ones that I lost…I know I am better off but you would just think that at this point in my life I would have already weeded out all the dirt bags. Apparently not! Thank god for the ones that I thought I was loosing and didn’t because I love them. I know we are all going to at some point disagree…but I hate feeling like I have let down or disappointed a friend by something I say or something I do.

I remain very close to a couple of people in my family but nobody is as close as I remember them being as a kid. The best childhood memories I have are the ones when everyone in my family were together and that hasn’t happened in a long time and I don’t see that it will ever happen again. Not only that but there are so many people who are gone now and wouldn’t be there that it would probably not be as happy as it was back then. Those people being gone seem to put a large hole in my heart that makes me unhappy these days. I feel like they should be here and there is also this looming thought that eventually everyone I care about will be gone. The older I get the more I find I struggle with the things I have said and done to my family over the years and even what I haven’t done that I should have done. There are other issues I find myself struggling with and if you know me then you know what they are.

My dating life is in totally disarray! The men that would commit to me I can’t commit to and they make me feel so much anxiety that I can barely breathe…I will never understand why. Then the ones who are no good for me and won’t commit I am chasing after like a mad person and the fact they don’t want me causes me to have anxiety! There is one in particular that I have not been able to get very far away from. I managed to meet someone and break away from him for about 6 months but then when that didn’t go how I wanted I was right back to him. I can’t explain how I feel about him and really after all that has happened the last 2 years I should just give up because it is obviously going nowhere. Sadly I have been unable to cut those ties and I feel as if it is maybe putting a large strain on other relationships and what kind of person would want to be with someone she couldn't take around her friends and family, right?  Then there is the thought that this could be holding me back from finding the person who really will seem to be made just for me.  I can't explain to you just how conflicted I am with the whole thing.

There is also a world of regret that I honestly struggle with every day…..it is possibly the worst of all of these.  The reason being that most of this may be able to be fixed and worked on.  Not regret though...there is no way to fix the regret you have involving a person who is no longer on this earth.

In closing I really do feel as if I am anywhere close to coming into my own, being ecstatically happy or having anything about my life under control. Sometimes I wonder who I really am, what I was really meant to do, where am I going, who I am disappointing and when I do it’s as if a ton of bricks is sitting on my chest and the floor is falling out from under my feet.

 

(sorry for any grammatical errors...I really was more concerned with getting this off my chest than I was how it sounded)