From dreams to shattered dreams to a state of confusion

 I grew up wanting to be an attorney....until high school that is.  See I was always an average student and that wasn't because I didn't try or was stupid.  I was just always slow to learn things and REALLY had to apply myself.  I tried and I studied and I did what I had to do and made average grades.  

Sometime after I started High School I had a school official explain to me that my grades weren't going to be good enough to get into a law school.  I let that stop me...and I just up and quit trying as hard.  

Then I decided that since I was excelling at all of my business classes I would love to be a business teacher and FBLA advisory...I let life events and my learning issues get in the way of that dream as well.  This was my own fault. 

Then....somewhere in the middle of all that I decided that I would like to work in an office, have a husband, home, kids...you know? .....The American Dream!  

 With that decision made I go and get married at the ripe old age of 18 and fresh out of high school.  I was married for 4 years. During that time I had a job as a child support caseworker and we owned a home of our own. I even came close to my dream of children once. 8 weeks into it I learned I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have laparoscopic surgery to remove my baby.  The doctor didn't call it that...but that is what it was...a baby.  I was CRUSHED and it was a long time before I could look at a baby or pregnant women without bursting into tears.  As my mom pointed out...god knows what he is doing and I guess in that instance he did.  My marriage wasn't good, I couldn't stand him anymore....there were times when he was physically abusive or just never around and slept most of the time he was.  Come to find out all of this was due to his drug and alcohol abuse....I was so naive that I honestly missed all of the signs....Until he got a DUI that is.  I was just staying because I didn't want the stigma of a divorce and I was of the mind set that you just do it once and no matter what you make it work.  THEN...I found out he cheated and that was it.  I kicked him out and didn't look back.  During this time I learned that you cannot be nice during a divorce...I tried that and it back fired.  I lost  my home because I couldn't make the payments on my own and he wasn't going to pay his half unless he lived with me and I wasn't divorcing him to stay around him and before I could get back to the house for the clothes and decorations I didn't take with me the day I left he had came in and taken everything he could pack out...except for my wedding dress!!! 
 Within six months I had lost my job because my personal life interfered with my job. Mainly being there was an election going on and my going to bars and keeping the company I was keeping didn't look good for his reputation.  I guess the one AI I got during that time didn't help either.  

So...at this point all of my dreams were shattered....I had to start all over....and I did.  BUT, I stuck to the same dreams.

Within the year I had a new job in the next town over as a child support caseworker and a new husband.  I should have known better and any of my friends will tell you that they attempted to warn me but I would not listen...I'm pretty hard headed like that. haha~  While I was in love my marriage was doomed from the start thanks to a strong presence of outside influences...and none of the good kind. I won't go into details of who these people were and ALL the many things that went on during this time.  I will admit that this was not my finest of moments but I let other people get to me and I played so many games and became a very immature version of myself...that girl...that version of me...she was ugly.  Granted I was only taking up for myself I did it in some ways that caused me to stoop as low as the people who were attacking me and my marriage.  If I could change that...I would probably change the way I handled things.  But you can't take things back and you can't change the past...you can only learn from your mistakes and move on. So after 2 years and 2 miscarriages he left me for the outside influences.   That year was 2008 and I can't begin to tell you everything that I and my family suffered that year that added to this but trust me when I say that it was more than any normal person could handle.    

Again...my dreams were shattered.  With that I became so depressed I began missing days of work at a time.  During those days I would take sleeping pills and antidepressants and sleep away my days and my nights.  It would have been very easy for me to become addicted and loose what little I had left in life to that addiction.  THANK GOD that I had a huge network of people to help me and be there for me and most importantly make me get up and start living my life again.

Two years later I found a job in the city my brother lives in so I packed up my things and moved in with him. 

 At the age of 30, single, and no children I find myself wondering if I need to give up my original dream of a family.  If you don't already know...the older you get and the more damaged you are....your options in the significant other area grow slimmer by the year.  

The men that have been married and already have children for the most part only want someone they can call up to crawl into bed with them and then send packing....some men who are my age and never been married are like this too.  What is it with that?  There are the guys that you meet that sometime in the past 10 years have become more of a chick than yourself....that is the most annoying thing.  Then there are the guys who want to fall off the face of the earth for days or weeks at a time and act like you are the crazy one when you attempt to explain that isn't how relationships work.  There are the guys who have girlfriends at home but want to tell you how much they love you and life is just complicated and they can't get rid of her for whatever lame excuse they can think of.  Last but not least there are the men with criminal records.

 Now I am not saying that there aren't ANY good men...because there are! My problem is...if you show me a good man I will pick him apart until I find EVERY flaw he has..no matter how big or small.  He doesn't have enough muscles, his smile isn't great, he's to nice, he dresses better than me....the list goes on and on. 

 I know that some of you are going to read this and say that I am shallow but I really am not.  I just will sabotage anything good so that I don't have to go through another heartache the size of the ones I have already been through....I made it out alive to many times to do it again and for the same reasons if you place a dog in front of me I will fall harder and faster than you have ever seen because he isn't going to want me...and while that thought hurts...it hurts a lot less than the alternative.

That is where the state of confusion part of my life comes into play....and that part is where I am now.  I know that I would still like to have the american dream but I am afraid that I have become to selfish to make that life work for me if I were to obtain it. OR if I could accept it if it came my way....without picking it a part and ruining it....  But then if I don't have this dream....what dream will I have and where is my life going?

<3 Me

I wouldn't change it for the world....

In my earlier post I mentioned that I have been married twice.  Not something I am proud of and I will not get into to great of detail about that..just enough to get this point across.

My first marriage lasted all of 4 years and I was so happy when it was over.  Through husband #1 I met the wife of his martial arts instructor.  This lady is incredible and has been there for me non-stop for 10 years.  She is funny, protective, beautiful, intelligent AND one of my very best friends in the entire world.  For 2 women who didn't really like each other upon first meeting we have become inseparable.

To shortly after my divorce I decided to fall in love and do it all over again...I know, I know...but you can ask some of my life long friends...they really tried to stop me! I wouldn't have it though.  While I was in love my marriage was never happy and based on a lot of lies, deceit and horrible outside influence.  This time I was the wife of a guardsman who deployed to Iraq within a year of marrying.  I began chatting with other military wives online and I met WhiskeyDawl(hope I got that right), she is states away and we have NEVER met face to face but have always been there for support, e-mails and late night chats.  She understands a lot of what I have been through and is very caring and supportive.  Last but not least, there is the girl with the infectious smile who's hubby was deployed with mine.  She is beautiful, smart, and funny!  Not only were our husbands deployed together but we also went through the big D at the same time shortly after the men returned home. Two years later I moved to the same city as her and she has been here for me through it all.

Now to my point... This weekend friend number 3 married for the second time.  During the reception I was hit with a thought that, like a light bub came on and so many things were lifted off my shoulders.  What was this thought you ask?

Those marriages were horrible and I wouldn't want to go through anything like that again BUT I really need to quit complaining about them.  During the course of these marriages I met 3 beautiful ladies who have been there for me more times than I can count.  I love them all so much, they were there through these men and they stuck around afterward, what more could a girl ask for?  I would not change a thing or take anything back if it meant that I wouldn't have these wonderful people in my life.

Thank you ladies!

<3

My journey through the 30's

11 years, 2 marriages, 3 failed pregnancies, 1 broken engagement, roughly 10 jobs, 9 moves, and many many more life experiences since I struck out on my own.  During this time there have been lots of heart aches, smiles, tears, hugs, and laughter.  I have had to mend my heart more times than I would like to count but along the way I have made some lasting bonds with the greatest people I know and now call my friends.

I have thought about creating a blog many times but thought, "What would I write about that would be on any interest to anyone?" and "Who in the world would even read it?".  Well, tonight I decided...I don't give a damn!  I have opinions of my own and life experiences that may help someone or be amusing to others.  

During the course of this blog you will learn a little about my past and a lot about my current life and how I deal with things and my thought process.  Currently I am just 4 short months away from turning 31.  I am single and live with 2 roommates, one of whom is my little brother.  They are both in the military and currently on deployment. I work at a law office and when I come home each night I like to relax watching crime shows and cuddling with my 9 year old Chorkie.

I hope I haven't bored you to death.  My blogs are sure to be pretty random and my way of getting my thoughts and feelings on life out in the open.  Hopefully this process will even help me to understand myself a little more.

So...Welcome to my journey through the thirties!!!